Dinner Table Syndrome names a common experience among Deaf and hard of hearing people. It occurs when Deaf people attend gatherings of hearing folks–historically around a dinner table, but it can be anywhere. All too often, the Deaf person’s communication access takes a sharp left turn–or a real nosedive.
What does “Dinner Table Syndrome” mean?
Dinner Table Syndrome (DTS) is a phrase in Deaf culture which primarily alludes to the following scenario:
A deaf child having dinner at home but feeling excluded because they are unable to keep up with the spoken language used among their family.
Most Deaf and hard of hearing people’s family members are hearing. Most of whom do not know sign language.
This dinner scenario is, of course, repeated nightly. If the primary language used is inaccessible, practical exchanges remain rudimentary. Never being able to fully participate in discussions, gain incidental knowledge or engage in logistics or banter is isolating at best. It absolutely contributes to a deaf child’s self worth and understanding of their place in their family.
DTS carries a deep resonance within the Deaf community.
DTS is exacerbated with larger gatherings
It’s common at home, but Dinner Table Syndrome applies to larger family and friend gatherings, too. And not just to deaf children, but to Deaf adults or those who experience hearing loss as an adult. If the family members are distant relatives, this can be exacerbated if they do not see Deaf or hard of hearing people very often.
Because of this, there is a tendency to forget the communication strategies they may know, if they know them at all. The more people there are to understand, the more difficult it becomes for the deaf person to keep up with the conversation.
Holiday gatherings are a great example of this. I’ve met hearing people who tell me they have an uncle or a cousin who is Deaf. And although they saw them at family gatherings, they never really got to know them due to communication barriers.
It’s understandable, to a point. But there are some things that help reduce the DTS effect.
What it looks like in real life
Dinner Table Syndrome doesn’t always look so dramatic to the unfamiliar eye. But for the person experiencing it, the gaps in communication can add up quickly.
One-on-one vs group conversations
Communication during a one-on-one conversation is more manageable than in a group. You can focus on one person directly in front of you, ask for clarification, and generally follow the conversation flow at least because it’s a straight back and forth.
But when a third person enters, it goes sideways-–literally.
Now instead of focusing on one person, you’re visually tracking two people—often from the side. Add more people, and it goes star-shaped because now there’s a “ping pong” effect, where the conversation moves from person to person. It’s nearly impossible to follow.
You might catch parts of what’s being said, but not enough to fully understand the topic. By the time you piece together what was said, the conversation has already moved on.
No context
Everyone laughs—but you’re not sure why. You smile to blend in. But you are just sitting there, unsure of what was funny in the first place.
So you amend their laughter with your own musings, which are, of course, preposterous.
They fail to see the irony.
“I’ll tell you later”
If you do ask someone sitting nearby what was funny or for clarification, a lot of times you’ll get a micro-condensed version or the common response, “I’ll tell you later.” This is a loaded phrase–with science I don’t understand, but it engages an involuntary reflex which makes smoke come out our ears. Deaf people’s nostrils flare in solidarity.
Runner up: “Nevermind”.
We give up trying to keep up
The effort to keep up with y’all is exhausting. Even the most seasoned lip readers don’t last a whole meal. Most of us withdraw from the conversation to conserve enough energy to drive to a bar… errr HOME. I meant home.
Why “just ask for clarification” isn’t that simple
A common suggestion is: “Just ask people to repeat themselves.”
But in practice, this is not always easy.
It can be difficult to know when there is a natural pause in the conversation to jump in. You may already be a few sentences (or several) behind. There’s also the question of whether your voice will carry over the group, or if interrupting will feel disruptive. It’s hard to rock the boat.
People who haven’t experienced this often think that’s the fix. But those who have experienced it, understand why it’s not.
Why it happens
Dinner Table Syndrome isn’t about people trying to exclude us. We know that. It’s just the result of spoken conversations happen among other hearing folk.
- Conversations move quickly
- People talk over each other
- Speakers change without clear visual cues
- There is limited visual access to everyone speaking
Environmental factors also play a role. Poor lighting, noisy environments, and overlapping sounds can make communication even more difficult. For those using hearing devices, background noise can actually be amplified, making it harder to follow conversations.
But here’s the thing: a Deaf person is there. There’s only so much we can do on our end.
The rest of our access has to come from the people around us.
What helps
LEARN TO SIGN. Or, learn to sign… some signs?
Frankly, that’s ideal. Especially if you live or interact with a Deaf person of any age.
You can check out reputable ASL resources here and here.
Of course, not all deaf and hard of hearing people use sign language. If they don’t, they’d be in the same boat as hearing people that don’t sign either.
So what helps? Small changes like these can make a big difference in creating a more inclusive environment:
- Use voice dictation/captioning apps like Otter or Live Transcribe
- Host and invite us to smaller gatherings
- Slow down the pace of conversation
- Make sure only one person speaks at a time when possible
- Gain attention before speaking
- Point or gesturing to who is talking or a visual for the topic at hand
- Face the person directly
- Include the Deaf or hard of hearing person intentionally
These adjustments don’t have to be perfect.
Just include us. Honestly, that goes a long way.
Final Thoughts
Dinner Table Syndrome is something all Deaf and hard of hearing people understand on a deep level. Historically, with families, and in the wider world today.
Over time, experiences like this can shape how connected Deaf people feel in hearing spaces and relationships.
Understanding it is the first step. Small changes in communication can go a long way in making sure Deaf people feel included—not just physically present.
Common Questions
Does DTS happen in immersive ASL environments? Like where everyone is Deaf or signs?
It could, potentially, to someone who doesn’t sign. But Deaf people are different communicators and actually a lot more in tune when someone in a group isn’t understanding. We naturally try to accommodate a bit more. And generally, the person who isn’t as fluent can always learn and practice more sign language. Conversely, Deaf people cannot learn to hear–so it’s not an apples-to-apples comparison.
Why do some families with deaf children not learn sign language?
Good question. Loaded answers that vary among families, but here are some of the primary ones: 1. It can be tough for adults to learn a second language. 2. Deaf children get more practice time than the parents at school and among friends, so parents may feel behind or not as fluent. 3. Parents may not have had adequate information about Deaf or sign language resources from the medical field who may see deafness as something to fix or give outdated advice. 4. Deaf children are stealth communicators who work with what they’re given, so if they sense a parent isn’t understanding their language they may find other tactics to be clear and default to the primary spoken language with their limited access.
What if someone knows fingerspelling? Does that help at all?
It can, to a point. It might be helpful for someone who is able to engage to a degree and help fill in some missing words, but it’s a lot to both produce and watch for entire sentences. A good way to mitigate this is to fingerspell the word, ask the Deaf person for the sign and then use the sign going forward.